What’s Your Attachment Style? Understanding How It Shapes Your Relationships

Oct 21

This blog is adapted from one of our recent podcast episodes. You can take a listen at the button above.

If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking a text, pulling away when things get too close, or feeling like you’re always “too much” or “not enough” in relationships, you’re not alone. These patterns may be rooted in your attachment style, a psychological framework that explains how we connect, communicate, and respond to emotional closeness. Understanding your attachment style can be a life-changing step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory is the study of how our early caregiving experiences shape the way we relate to others later in life. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, it outlines how children form bonds with caregivers, and how those patterns often carry into adulthood.

There are four primary attachment styles:

Secure Attachment: Comfortable with closeness and independence. Able to trust and be trusted.
Anxious Attachment: Craves connection but fears abandonment or rejection.
Avoidant Attachment: Prefers independence and may resist emotional closeness.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: A blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often tied to unresolved trauma.

These aren’t just labels. They reflect emotional blueprints shaped by experience, and they can influence everything from how you fight to how you ask for help.

How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

Whether you're dating, married, parenting, or navigating friendships and work dynamics, your attachment style likely impacts:

How you communicate during conflict
Whether you trust others easily
How comfortable you are with emotional intimacy
Your ability to ask for what you need
How you handle vulnerability, independence, and closeness

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might constantly seek reassurance or fear being left out. Someone with an avoidant style might shut down during emotionally intense conversations or avoid expressing needs altogether.

Signs Your Attachment Style Might Be Showing Up

Recognizing attachment patterns is the first step toward healing. Here are common signs:

Overthinking conversations or second-guessing yourself in relationships
Struggling to set boundaries or express emotional needs
Pulling away when someone gets too close
Feeling anxious when others don’t respond quickly
Going “numb” or disconnected during conflict
Feeling like you’re always chasing closeness or pushing it away

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes. While attachment styles are shaped by past experiences, they are not permanent. Through intentional work (especially trauma-informed therapy like EMDR) people can develop earned secure attachment, even if they didn’t grow up with it.

Healing often involves:

Learning to regulate your nervous system
Understanding and naming your emotional needs
Practicing vulnerability and boundary-setting in safe relationships
Rewiring unhelpful beliefs about connection and safety

You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns. Change is possible—and incredibly freeing.

Why Understanding Attachment Styles Matters

Your attachment style doesn’t define you, but it does help explain your relationship patterns. When you can identify your style and work toward secure attachment, you unlock the ability to connect more deeply, communicate more clearly, and show up more fully in your relationships.

This awareness can ripple out into every area of your life: partnerships, parenting, leadership, and even your relationship with yourself.

Want to explore your attachment style in a supportive, trauma-informed way?Visit seentherapy.org to learn more about therapy options, including EMDR, or to book a free consultation.