Teen Safety: The One Simple Plan Every Parent Should Have

This blog is adapted from one of our recent podcast episodes. You can take a listen at the button above.

How do you keep your teenager safe when you can't be there? What should your teen do if they're at a party that gets out of hand, if their ride has been drinking, or if their own thoughts start to scare them?

Teen safety is complex and layered. There's a lot we could talk about. But when we make safety plans for teens too complicated, we can end up making them harder to use in the exact moments teens need them most.

So in this post, part of our Therapy for Teens series, I'm keeping it intentionally simple. I want to share one tangible safety plan that parents can put in place with their preteen or teen, why it works, when it might not be the right fit, and why it may be one of the most meaningful things you can offer your child.

Content note: This post includes a discussion of suicidal thoughts. If you or a teen in your life is struggling, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Key Takeaways

In this post, you'll learn:

The simple "text me help" safety plan and how it works
Why complicated safety instructions often fail teens in a crisis
What's happening in the brain when a teen feels unsafe
Real-life situations where a one-word text can make all the difference
Why this plan still matters once your teen goes to college
When this approach may not be the right fit for your child
How teachers, coaches, and youth leaders can create their own version

The Plan: "Text Me Help"

Here's what I want to propose. If you're a parent of a preteen or teen, consider having a conversation with them about safety early on, and give them something really tangible to do when they feel unsafe.

And I mean really tangible. Something like this:

"If you ever feel in over your head, all you have to do is text me 'help.' My response is going to be 'I'm coming.'"

That's it. No follow-up questions. No lecture when you get there. They text "help." You text "I'm coming." And you come.

Most parents are already tracking their teen's location, so you don't even need to ask where they are. (We talked more about teens and tech in our screen time episode.)

It doesn't have to be the word "help." It could be a code word. In our house, it could be "silly goose." What matters is that it's simple, clear, and consistent, and that you talk about it regularly so it's ready when your teen needs it.

Why Simple Safety Plans Work Better for Teens

When we talk to our kids about safety, we sometimes make it incredibly complicated out of our own fear. Then we expect them to work through those complicated instructions in a moment that's really hard for them, maybe one their brain and body are registering as a threat.

What Happens in the Brain During a Crisis

Problem-solving happens in the front part of the brain. When a teen's brain and body register a situation as a crisis, they aren't operating from the front of their brain anymore.

So when our safety conversations require teens to problem-solve, we're asking them to do the one thing that isn't available to them in that moment.

What they need instead is reassurance: In a moment of crisis, you don't have to work through anything difficult. You just have to text me "help."

When a Teen Might Text "Help"

Once you've set up the plan, you can talk with your teen about situations where they might use it. Here are a few examples.

At a Party That Gets Out of Hand

Your teen is at a party where there wasn't supposed to be any drinking. Their ride has been drinking and tells them to get in the car. Your kiddo isn't going to get in that car, and they don't need to text you five sentences explaining why. They just text "help."

When Their Own Thoughts Start to Scare Them

Your teen has had a hard couple of years. They start having passive suicidal thoughts, like "I just don't want to be here anymore," and they've talked to you a little about that.

Then over a couple of months, things get more serious. The thoughts running through their head start to really scare them, and they're far more complicated than "I just don't want to be here." Your teen doesn't know how to explain it.

That isn't because they don't trust you. It's because a 13- or 14-year-old often doesn't have the communication skills to process something like this out loud yet. So they text "help."

When you get there, they may still not know what to say, and that's okay. Stay with them until you understand what's going on, and reach out to a professional who can help from there.

If your teen is in crisis, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7. If they're in immediate danger, call 911.

Even After They Leave Home

This plan doesn't expire at 18. Fast-forward to college. Your young adult is having a hard time with a roommate or close friend, and it's not like them, because they've worked through conflicts like this before. Or maybe they were an A student in high school and just got their first C. They don't have the words. They don't know what to ask for. They just text "help."

Taking the Pressure Off Teens to Explain Everything

I won't get on my soapbox for long, but you've already heard me say in this series that I believe we put far too much responsibility on teenagers to recognize signs of suicidal ideation in their peers.

Instead, I believe we need to put much more time and education into teaching kids and their families how to communicate about suicidal thoughts. There are many ways to do that, but one simple thing we can do is remove the expectation that a teen has to explain all of the complicated things running through their mind.

They just have to say "help."

When This Approach May Not Be the Right Fit

I want to offer an important caveat. If your child was adopted or for another reason has attachment concerns, or if there are concerns related to personality development (we wouldn't diagnose a personality disorder in a teen, but there can be concerns), this approach may be contraindicated. That means it could not only be unhelpful, but could actually do more harm than good.

That applies to a very small portion of teens. For most, I believe this could really benefit them. If you're unsure whether it's right for your child, talk with their therapist or a mental health professional first.

Isn't This What We Hope For as Parents?

On a personal note, I was talking with Garth about this a few days ago. I found myself thinking about holding my babies on my chest, and about attachment, and about the hope that my kids would always feel like they could come back to me.

I think we overcomplicate teen safety. But really, it comes down to this:

You text help, and I will be there.

You've put so much work into your relationship with your teen. Don't let the complications of communication get in the way of all that work.

For Teachers, Coaches, and Youth Leaders

If you work with teens as a teacher, coach, youth pastor, or mentor, ask yourself: What's my version of this? What simple, clear, consistent way can the teens in your care reach out when they don't have the words?

Support for Parents and Teens

If you'd like help building a safety plan with your teen, or your teen is struggling, we're here. I meet with parents to help them work through questions like these, and we have wonderful clinicians at Seen Therapy Services who see teenagers, offering counseling and EMDR therapy in person in Springfield, Missouri, and via telehealth throughout Missouri.

📅 Schedule a free consultation →

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the "text me help" safety plan for teens?

It's a simple agreement between a parent and teen: if the teen ever feels in over their head, they text a single word like "help," and the parent replies "I'm coming" and goes to get them, with no follow-up questions and no lecture. A code word can work too, as long as it's simple, clear, and consistent.

Why do simple safety plans work better for teenagers?

In a crisis, a teen's brain and body may register a threat, and problem-solving, which happens in the front of the brain, becomes much harder. A one-word plan removes the need to explain or problem-solve in the moment.

When might a teen use a "help" text?

Examples include being at a party where their ride has been drinking, feeling overwhelmed by thoughts that scare them, or, later in college, struggling with a situation they don't have the words for. If a teen is in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.

Is the "text me help" plan right for every teen?

Not always. For teens with attachment concerns, such as some adopted children, or with concerns related to personality development, this approach may be contraindicated and could do more harm than good. If you're unsure, talk with your teen's therapist first.

Should the plan still apply when my teen goes to college?

Yes. Young adults can still face moments when they don't have the words, like a hard conflict with a roommate or an unexpected setback at school. Keeping the plan in place reminds them they can always reach out.

How can teachers or coaches use this idea?

Teachers, coaches, youth pastors, and mentors can create their own version: a simple, clear, consistent way for the teens in their care to reach out for help when they don't know what to say.

Related Resources

Hello. Hello. Hello, friends, welcome to the podcast where we simplify everything about mental health. Just kidding. But here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna sit down together a licensed mental health professional, that's me and a regular old Joe as my husband Garth would describe himself. We're gonna talk about the nitty gritty of EMDR, some nervous system mapping, how couples can help each other heal. What's healthy parenting actually look like? Maybe a little bit of good old banter mixed in. All with the goal of making mental health a little bit simpler for you. Quick note, because my lawyer says that I have to, I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Unless I am. Even if I am. This is still just a podcast. Okay, now have a good listen. Hello, friends. Another solo episode today. I always miss Garth whenever he's not able to join us, and our family schedules right now aren't allowing for that a ton. But so excited to sit down with you all and chat. Today, we will be talking about teen safety. And my goal today is to really keep it simple. In fact, I won't be looking at my notes. We're gonna be talking primarily about one thing, and in some ways, I think that will oversimplify it, and teen safety is complex. It's layered. However, I think there is also some value in keeping things really simple. Okay? Before we get rolling, Garth did provide a bant for me again, fall related as well. I'm recording a couple of episodes today and he, he said, "What do you do with your leaves?" So you can tell that is on his mind. I feel like we are a divided house on this. So although Garth is not here, I will represent him. Garth is a mulcher. Garth wants to run over our front and back lawn with the lawnmower and really get the leaves into the, I say get them into the ground, but let them kind of just sit on the ground and provide some nutrients and things for the winter. I'm not opposed to that in the front yard. However, for any of you that do that and have dogs/small children, I'm curious how you keep your floors clean, like, at all all winter long. Because when we have mulched in the past in the backyard our, our Pheebs, our Phebert, our Phoebe has just drug those suckers in over and over and over again all winter. And I'm not a fan, and the kids also bring them in. So I am totally up for mulching in the front yard, but I really prefer raking and removing in the backyard. But again, we are a house divided, and currently my five-year-old is a little nature-loving conservationist, which is wonderful beautiful love it for her, and she's just totally on Daddy's side. How, how dare I y- you know, consider that the leaves be taken off the backyard or that anything happen to the dandelions that are needed by the bees. And when I am my best self, I pretty much agree with her on everything. And then there are practical things like the mulched leaves are in my house, and then somehow in my hair. Because everything that makes it into our house, guys, ends up in my hair. It just does. It does. Okay. Teen safety. Here we go Now, sorry for those listening and not watching, I paused for a coffee drink I started this episode by saying that this certainly oversimplifies a topic that is complicated and layered and very important. And I think though oversimplifying it will leave out a lot of things that we could talk about, it also provides us with something tangible that we can do and that we can talk to our teenagers about. Okay. Here's what I want to propose to you. If you are a parent listening and you have a teenager, it doesn't have to be exactly this, but I want you to consider what it would look like to talk to your preteen or your teenager early on. I want you to consider what it would look like to have a conversation with them about safety and to provide them something really tangible to do when they felt unsafe. And when I say really tangible, I mean to be as specific as to say, "Look, if these things come up," and we'll go into detail here in a minute about what these things could be. "If these things come up, I need you to know all you have to do if you feel in over your head is text me help, and my response is going to be I'm coming." Right? We, we talked about tech with teenagers in a previous episode. Like, who is not tracking their teenager's location? So we don't even need to ask them where they are, right? Like, text them, have them text you help and you text I'm coming. Okay. I wanna provide a caveat before we dive in a little bit deeper. If you have a child who is adopted or who for some other reason has some attachment concerns we wouldn't have a diagnosis for a personality disorder, but personality disorder concerns. If any li- anything like that is going on with your kiddo what we're talking about today would be contraindicated, which means that there is a possibility it would not only not be beneficial for your child, but would actually cause more harm than good. That's going to be a very, very slim part of the population, and for the most part, I think this is something that could really benefit your teen. Why do I think this could really benefit your teen? If you are able to say to your teen, "You text me help and I will come When we have conversations with our kids around safety, we sometimes make something Out of our own fear, so incredibly complicated, and then expect them in a situation that is incredibly difficult for them, maybe even something that their brain and body is registering as a threat. We expect them to work through those very difficult instructions that we've provided instead of giving them the reinsurance that you don't have to, in a moment of crisis, work through anything difficult. You literally just have to text me "help." That's it. I won't have follow-up questions. I am not going to lecture you when I get to you. You text me help, I will say, "I'm coming," and I will come. That's all. Now, then we can talk to them about some reasons why they would need to do that. They're at a party that there wasn't supposed to be any drinking at. Their ride has been drinking. They tell them to get into the car with them. Your kiddo's not going to do that. They don't have to text you five sentences about that. They just text "help." They have had a difficult couple of years. They start to have some passive suicidal thoughts, like, "I just don't wanna be here anymore." They've talked to you a little bit about that, but then they go few-- through a couple of months where things start, start to get more serious, and the thoughts that are running through their own head are really starting to scare them, but they don't even know how to explain that to you. The thoughts running through their mind are way more complicated than, "I just don't really wanna be here." And it's not that they don't trust you, it's that they, as a thirteen or fourteen-year-old, do not have the communication skills that they need to even process this with you. So they just text you "help." And you get there, and they still don't know exactly what to say, and that's okay. You stay with them until you've worked out what's going on, and you reach out to a professional who can help from there Let's fast-forward to college. They're out of your house. They're having a difficult interaction with their roommate or a close friend And that's not like them. They've been able to work through things like this before. And again, they don't have the words. They don't, they don't know exactly what to say. Or, or maybe they were an A student in high school And they got their first C. They don't have the words, they don't know exactly what to say. They just text you, "Help." We're having conversations with our children that put them in a spot where they have to problem solve in a situation where problem solving is not on the table If their brains and bodies have registered a situation as a crisis, problem-solving happens at the front of our brain, and they're not in the front of their brain anymore We have to give them something, whether it's texting help or texting a code word, silly goose We have to give them something simple and clear and consistent, which means we have to talk about it on a regular basis. We have to give them something simple, clear, and consistent that they can utilize in a moment where they just don't have the words, where they don't even know what to ask for. This isn't something that I will get off on a soapbox for long. You've already heard me in this series talk about I think we put far too much responsibility on teenagers for recognizing signs of suicidal ideation in their peers. We need to put a lot more time and education into teaching children and their families how to communicate about suicidal ideation. And there are lots of different things that we can do there, and I won't complicate this episode by getting into all of those today. But one simple thing we can do is by, is taking away the expectation that our teenager has to explain all of the very complicated things rolling through their mind. Just say help Before I wrap up On a personal note, not just for me, but for all parents, I think Isn't this what we hope to instill in our kids? I was talking to Garth about this episode a couple days ago as it was kind of percolating in my mind, and I, I talked about holding my babies and them laying on my chest, and just attachment and all the things, and the hope that they would feel like they could always come back And I think we overcomplicate teen safety, but really it comes down to that You text help And I will be there You have put in so much work And having a relationship with your teen that allows for that Don't make the complications of communication interfere with all of the work that you've put into your relationship with your child? Or if you're in a professional capacity, if you're a coach, if you're a teacher, if you're a youth pastor, what is your version of this Don't let overcomplicating the communication get in w- the way of all of the work that you've put into the relationship. Okay As always, so much gratitude that I hold any time that you have a listen The topic of teen safety is incredibly important, incredibly layered. Let's not complicate it to the point that we make it so complicated that we feel like it's, it's an issue that we can't tackle, 'cause we can. Appreciate your listen. Thank you so much. Have a great day Well, that's all folks. Please see our show notes for ways to connect with us or go give us a follow on Instagram. You can find us at Simply Mental. If this episode resonated with you, send it over to a friend. Give us a five star rating. Subscribe. Download all the things the cool kids are doing these days. Thanks for having to listen.