This blog is adapted from one of our recent podcast episodes. You can take a listen at the button above.
How much screen time is too much for a teenager? Should your 13-year-old have a phone? Are video games really that bad? And what do you do when your teen's phone is buzzing all night long?
If you're parenting a teenager, you've probably asked yourself at least one of these questions. The truth is, there are no easy answers when it comes to teens and screen time. But there is a middle ground between "screens are awful" and "screens are fine," and finding it matters more than many parents realize.
A teen's brain isn't fully developed until around age 25. That doesn't mean adults can't struggle with technology, or even develop an addiction to it. But teens are more vulnerable to the effects of screens, and those effects can have a bigger impact on them. The relationship with technology a teen builds while living at home sets the foundation for what their early adulthood looks like.
In this post, part of our Therapy for Teens series, I'll walk through why not all screen time is created equal, how to tell healthier screen time from less healthy screen time, when to consider giving your teen a phone, how tech affects teen sleep, and why the most important tech rules might start with you.
Key Takeaways
In this post, you'll learn:
Why not all screen time is created equal
What makes screen time healthier: interactive, goal-oriented, social, and on a bigger screen
The warning sign to watch for, regardless of what kind of screen time it is
Why removing phones and social media entirely can leave teens out socially
Why introducing a phone in early adolescence can set teens up for success at 18
How technology affects teen sleep
Why modeling healthy tech habits yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do
Why This Topic Matters to Our Family
Garth and I have done a couple of episodes on kids and screen time before, and it's a topic that became very personal for us. Our older two kids had lived with us for a little over a year when COVID hit. Suddenly, all of their school was happening on a screen, and as parents, we were worried about what that meant.
We learned a lot researching it then, and we've learned even more working with teenagers and parenting teenagers since.
Not All Screen Time Is Created Equal
This was the first thing that became clear to us when we started digging in. Screens aren't simply good or bad. Screens are screens. We have to learn to navigate them, and we have to teach our kids to navigate them too.
So instead of just counting minutes, start by asking: what is my teen actually doing on the screen?
Signs of Healthier Screen Time
Video games have been demonized for a long time, partly because of violent games. But depending on the game and how it's played, gaming can actually check a lot of the boxes for healthier screen time. Ask:
Is it interactive? Interactive screen time puts us in a much better spot than passive watching.
Is it goal-oriented? A game with a goal keeps the brain engaged in one task over a longer period.
Is it social? Is your teen playing with friends they actually know, from school or soccer or the neighborhood, even if those friends aren't in the room?
How close is the screen? A game on a TV across the room is different from an iPad inches from their face.
If your teen spends a couple of hours on a Saturday playing a goal-oriented video game virtually with friends they know, you're winning. I know some parents get anxious about that and wonder why they aren't hanging out in person. We do want to facilitate in-person time whenever we can. But that's not the same as your teen sitting alone, scrolling social media.
Why Scrolling Is Different
Here's the difference. In a goal-oriented game, your teen stays in one reality for a long stretch, working toward something.
On social media, they're in one reality while watching one video, then a completely different one two seconds later, then another one three seconds after that. That kind of constant switching is not good for the brain.
Staying in one interactive, goal-driven reality, ideally with friends they have a real connection with, is not an awful place to be.
The Warning Sign to Watch For
No matter what kind of screen time it is, pay attention to whether your teen can reasonably step away when time is up.
That doesn't mean you walk in, announce the game is over, and expect them to stop instantly wherever they are. But if you're using a visual timer, giving 10-minute, five-minute, and two-minute warnings, and they're still really struggling to pull away, that's a concern, whatever they're doing on the screen.
Teens, Cell Phones, and Social Connection
When it came to phones, one thing we noticed with our older two kids was that a flat "no cell phones, no social media" rule, even though there were times we needed to go that extreme, kept them out of opportunities that only came up on social media.
Most 16-year-olds aren't even texting each other right now. If they're making plans, it's probably happening over Snapchat or Instagram. So as hard as it is to hear, if your teen isn't on those platforms at all, they may be missing out on some social activities.
That doesn't mean every 15-year-old should be on Snapchat. They shouldn't. You're the parent, and you decide what's best for your kiddo. I just want parents, especially those who aren't parenting teens yet, to know it isn't as black and white as it can sound. Like most things, it's pretty gray.
Consider a Phone in Early Adolescence
Here's what I advocate for: as your child enters early adolescence, consider giving them some kind of phone.
You can get creative. One thing we've done is give a very low-tech phone, and then put certain apps on an iPad or tablet that's easier to lock down and that your child doesn't have access to all the time.
Why Titrating Matters
The reason I recommend introducing a phone early is that it gives you lots of time to titrate in new responsibilities with that device, little by little.
When a kid turns 18 and is managing a device on their own for the first time, without any guidance at home, that can hit hard. You'll have far less influence over how an 18-year-old uses their phone than how a 13-year-old does. Technology is part of their world, and it's a world they'll need to know how to navigate well. Better for them to learn under your roof, with your guidance.
How Technology Affects Teen Sleep
This is one I see over and over again. I don't work directly with teenagers anymore, but I consult with therapists who do, and I hear constantly about tech impacting teens' sleep.
What does that look like?
Staying up until 3:00 a.m. playing a video game with friends, and then not being able to fall asleep
Keeping a phone in bed, unsilenced, while friends message all night long
When I was still working with teens, I'd often hear, "I keep my phone by my bed and I get a lot of notifications, but it doesn't wake me up." We know that's not really true. Convincing a teen of that, though, can be tough.
That's another reason your own habits matter so much here.
Lead the Way With Your Own Tech Habits
This one wasn't in my notes, but I have to say it: are you happy with how you're navigating tech?
A 13-year-old who sees you using tech differently than you're asking them to is going to push back. If you're on your phone at dinner but expect them not to be, resentment builds. With teenagers especially, we lead the way with our behavior.
This has been eye-opening for me. We have some unspoken cell phone rules in our house that even our littles are aware of, and my five-year-old will absolutely call me out when I'm not following them. Phone use becomes such an integrated part of life that we stop noticing it.
So take a humble, open-hands approach when you're laying the groundwork for cell phone rules. You may need to change some things you're doing. Garth and I did.
Start With Yourself First
Here's a practical step:
Decide what you think would be healthiest for your teen when it comes to tech hygiene (phones at dinner, phones at night, notifications, and so on).
Look at what you'd need to change to meet those same standards yourself.
Start making those changes before you ever bring it up with your teen. Let them see the behavior change, get into a groove with it, and then ask them to come alongside you.
If your phone sits on your nightstand buzzing all night, what does that model for your kiddo?
Stay Informed About What Your Teen Is Using
Open communication about how screen time and tech are affecting your teen is incredibly important. So is being informed.
If you couldn't sit down with me right now and tell me which apps your teen is using, let's change that. Familiarize yourself with the platforms. If there's something you don't understand, talk to your teen's therapist, their school counselor, or a friend who teaches high school. Not necessarily because you have a concern, but because professionals who interact with teens every day know what these platforms are and how they work.
Getting Support for Your Teen and Tech
If you're noticing that your teen is more reliant on tech than you'd like, or it's affecting their mood more than you'd like it to, please reach out. We're happy to help.
I no longer see teenagers directly, but I do meet with parents to help them work through questions like how to navigate tech with their kids. We also have wonderful clinicians at Seen Therapy Services who do see teens, with EMDR therapy and counseling available in person in Springfield, Missouri, and via telehealth throughout Missouri.
📅 Schedule a free consultation →
Frequently Asked Questions
How much screen time is healthy for a teenager?
It depends on what kind of screen time it is. Interactive, goal-oriented screen time with friends a teen knows, ideally on a bigger screen like a TV, is healthier than scrolling social media. A key warning sign for any type of screen time is when a teen consistently struggles to stop, even with a timer and advance warnings.
Are video games bad for teens?
Not necessarily. Video games have been demonized largely because of violent games, but a goal-oriented game played virtually with friends a teen actually knows can be one of the healthier forms of screen time. It keeps the brain engaged in one task rather than constantly switching like social media does.
What age should a child get a phone?
Many parents consider a phone in early adolescence. Introducing a phone early, sometimes starting with a low-tech phone and limited apps on a lockable tablet, gives parents time to gradually add responsibility so their teen isn't managing a device on their own for the first time at 18.
Should I keep my teen off social media completely?
That's a decision each parent has to make for their child. Keep in mind that many teens make social plans on platforms like Snapchat or Instagram, so removing access entirely can mean missing out on social opportunities. It isn't all-or-nothing, and not every teen needs to be on every platform.
How does phone use affect teen sleep?
Late-night gaming and keeping an unsilenced phone in bed are common ways technology disrupts teen sleep. Even when teens say notifications don't wake them up, overnight phone activity can still affect their rest.
How can parents set a good example with technology?
Decide what healthy tech habits look like for your teen, apply those same standards to yourself, and start following them before asking your teen to change. Teens notice when parents' phone habits don't match the rules they set.
Related Resources
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Hello. Hello. Hello, friends, welcome to the podcast where we simplify everything about mental health. Just kidding. But here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna sit down together a licensed mental health professional, that's me and a regular old Joe as my husband Garth would describe himself. We're gonna talk about the nitty gritty of EMDR, some nervous system mapping, how couples can help each other heal. What's healthy parenting actually look like? Maybe a little bit of good old banter mixed in. All with the goal of making mental health a little bit simpler for you. Quick note, because my lawyer says that I have to, I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Unless I am. Even if I am. This is still just a podcast. Okay, now have a good listen. Hello, friends. You are catching me on another solo episode. However, Garth does have a bant for me today. He asked me to talk about opinions on caramel apples. So I'm gonna give you mine, and I'm curious what yours is. Caramel apples. Caramel apples really came on the scene for me... We did not do caramel apples when I was little, little. So they came on the scene for me in early, early adolescence when I had braces. So I do think that kind of, like, impacted my opinion. I am not a huge caramel apple on a stick kinda gal. However, caramel apple slices, have you guys done this? I think we're actually gonna make some this weekend because we have pumpkin patch trip for my kindergartner next week. Caramel apple slices or even caramel apples covered in chocolate with, like, some caramel drizzled on them, mm, that's my jam. You can do all kinds of things with those. So whole caramel apple, never really fell in love with it. I was also a kid who like... I, I'm first born, and I know all firstborns aren't this way, but I didn't want the sticky on my hand. I did all the things, right? So that's my bant for today. We're in fall here in Missouri, so what is your favorite way to eat a caramel apple, if you even like caramel apples? Also, you are catching me on a Friday admin day, which also means if you're watching on video, you're catching me in a pair of my overalls. Because if you see me on a Friday or probably even a Saturday, you're gonna see me in overalls. It's just how I roll. They're wonderful. One outfit. All in one. It's fabulous Okay, what are we talking about today? Today, we are talking about teens and screen time. We are continuing our Therapy for Teenagers series, but really it we probably should have labeled it Mental Health for Teenagers, because we're not just talking about what happens in the therapy room. In fact, we're talking about a lot that happens outside the therapy room. But today, we're talking about screen time. We have done an episode before, actually maybe two, that really went into just screen time with kids specifically. This was something that became important to our family. Our older two kids, if you've been listening for a while, you know our older two kids are adopted. And they were adopted as we were... So they'd lived with us for a little over a year, and then we were headed into COVID. And we're headed into COVID, and as parents, we're concerned about what does screen time look like now that we're doing all of our school on a screen. And we learned quite a bit in kinda researching that. And we've also learned a lot in working with teenagers and parenting teenagers about how teenagers deal with tech and screens and all of the things. This is gonna be an episode where I'm gonna be referencing my notes quite a bit, because it's really important to me that I'm hitting on all of the points and I'm, I'm gonna be trying to, try to be as conversational as I can be. But this is an important topic to me, because I think that a healthy relationship with screens that's established whenever adolescents are in our home really sets the foundation for what their early adulthood looks like. Our kids' brains aren't fully developed until around the age of 25. And so not that a- anyone of any age can't have difficulty with screens, even addiction to, to technology, or they certainly can. However, our kids are going to be quite a bit more vulnerable to that up until the age of 25, and it's going to have more of an impact on them up until that age. So very important that we set a good foundation for that. And the first thing that I want you to know that we've talked about in previous episodes is not all screen time is created equal. When we really started looking into screen time as our kids were going, our older kids were going into COVID, that is something that became very apparent very quickly. So there's this middle ground, right? Where it's like screens are awful and screens are fine. Screens are screens, and we, we have to learn to navigate them, and we have to teach our children how to navigate them. So I think the first question we need to ask ourselves is, is what my child is engaging with on the screen, is it interactive? Because it being interactive really puts us in a, a better spot. So we've kind of demonized video games for a really long time, and there are different things you can do with video games, even how far away the screen is from the child. Are they interacting with friends that they know when they're playing a video game? Obviously, if the video, video game is violent, I think violent video games is part of why video games were demonized as a whole. But if the video game is goal-oriented and the child is playing with other kids that they know, even if the kids aren't there with them, that is really the ideal screen time. So if, if it has a goal if they are engaging in socialization because they're playing with other kids or adolescents that they know, and if we can put it up on a TV rather than it being like on an iPad in front of them all of those things are ticking boxes that make screen time more positive for our kids. Okay. How long is it? Are we able to come away from the screen whenever time is up? So that doesn't look like parent walks into the room and says "Hey, your game's over," and no matter where kiddo is in that process, they stop immediately. But if we've got like a visual timer in front of the kiddo, if we're giving them 10-minute, five-minute, two-minute warnings, and they are still really, really struggling to pull away from that, that's something to consider. Again, the social aspect, I, I wanna speak to that a little bit more and I w- I wanna move away... I, I've been talking about it in reference really to gaming, but I wanna move away from that and I wanna talk a little bit about what this can look like on cell phone, or with cell phones. So something that we noticed with our older two kids was that just saying "No cell phones, no social media," though there were times when maybe we needed to to go that extreme, it really prevented them from being part of opportunities that only came up, say, on social media. By that, I mean that 16-year-olds right now are not really even texting one another. If they are planning something It is probably over Snapchat maybe over Instagram. And so as difficult as it is, if your child is not engaging in that, they are missing out on some social activities. Now, there's... You know, you have to weigh that. You as the parent have to decide exactly what you want to do there. What I'm going to advocate for is that as we are entering early adolescence, that you do consider at that point having some sort of phone for your child. And one of the things that we've done in the past is that we've had a very low-tech phone, and then there are some apps that are put, like, on an iPad or a tablet that's a little bit easier to lock down. And the child doesn't have access to them at all times, right? So you can get creative, and that's something you can consider too. But the reason I would recommend utilizing a phone in early adolescence is it gives us lots of time to titrate in different responsibilities with that device so that whenever a kid gets to eighteen, they're not managing a device for the first time on their own without your guidance in the home. We want them to have an opportunity to learn how to navigate this well when they're under your roof and under your guidance. Not that when they, you know, fly the coop, leave the nest, that they can't rely on you at all. But they are going-- you're going to have less influence, obviously, on an eighteen-year-old and how they use their cell phone than you are a thirteen-year-old and how they use their cell phone. So be mindful of that, just having them removed from it completely. Technology is a part of their world, and it is a part of the world that they're going to need to know how to navigate well. Another thing to consider here that I didn't have in my notes, but I just wanna throw out quickly are you happy with how you're navigating tech? Because, man- A 13-year-old that sees you navigating tech in a different way than you are asking them to navigate tech is really gonna push back on that, right? So if you're on your phone at dinner, but you expect that they not be, there's gonna d- be some resentment that develops there, right? So just like anything with teenagers especially, we're asking you to lead the way in your behavior. And for me, I know that has been eye-opening. Like, we have, I feel like kind of some unspoken cell phone rules in our house that even our littles are aware of to some degree, and my five-year-old will call me out on it when I'm not following those. And it becomes s- such an integrated part of our life, our cell phone use, I think, that we don't notice it. So, taking kind of a humble open hands approach when you are laying the groundwork for cell phone use rules in particular that you might have to change some things that you're doing. I know we did. I know Garth and I did. That you might have to change some ways that you're doing things in order to set your teenager up for success Okay. Another piece that I want to make sure that I'm hitting on is considering whether or not tech use is interfering with sleep. This is something that I see in teenagers over and over and over again, even just as a consultant. So I don't work directly with teenagers anymore, but I do help therapists that are working with teenagers and over and over and over again, I hear that tech is impacting their sleep in different ways. What can that look like? We're staying up Until 3:00 AM playing a video game with peers, and then we can't go to sleep. We are keeping our phone with us whenever we go to bed, and we're not silencing it in any way, and our friends are just digging that puppy all night long. And another thing that I'll before I transitioned out of working with teenagers that I heard often was that it wasn't waking them up. Like, they were keeping their phone by their bed and they knew they were getting a lot of notifications, but it wasn't waking them up. Obviously, we know that's not true, right? But we trying to convince them of that might might be tough. So this is another thing where you leading the way in how you have kind of tech hygiene and, you know, what are you doing with your phone at night. If you're leaving it on your bedside table and letting it go off all night what does that, it, you know, what does that look like for, for your kiddo? So as I'm processing the first thing that's coming up for me, as I'm processing, you know, here on the podcast but really the first thing that's coming up for me is maybe thinking about what you think would be healthiest for your teen, and then running through what changes would you need to make in order to hit those metrics as well those tech hygiene metrics, and start implementing those for yourself before you even make it a conversation with your teenager so that they can see some behavioral change, and you can kind of get in the groove of that behavioral change before you allow, or ask them rather, to come alongside you in doing that. There are no easy answers in helping our, our teens manage tech. It is tough. I think that having open communication in regards to how screen time, how tech is impacting them is incredibly important. Being informed In regards to what tech they're using, if there is something that you don't understand talk to your teenager's therapist about it, talk to their school counselor about it talk to a friend who is a high school teacher about it. Not because you necessarily have a concern, but for professionals that come into contact with teenagers every day, they know what these platforms are. They have some understanding of them. Familiarize yourself with them. If you don't know what's on your teenager's phone right now, change that. Like, like if you can't sit down with me and give me an idea of what apps your teenager is using let's shift that a little bit. Okay, going back to the beginning, not all screen time is created equal. If your kid is playing a couple of hours of video games on a Saturday, and he's playing virtually with friends that he knows, you're winning I know that some parents get a little bit anxious about that, right? Like, why are they not seeing each other in person? And we wanna facilitate the, that in-person contact when we can. But that is not the same as hi- him or her sitting and scrolling on social media. Okay? One thing that I didn't mention earlier that's relevant is this is... I had said, like, does the video game have a goal? But another thing to consider is they are engaged in that goal for a long period of time, whereas on social media, they are in one reality when they're watching one video, and then they're in another reality two seconds later, and then another reality three seconds later. That is not good for the brain. Staying in one reality, right, that is goal-driven and is interactive is going to be positive. Now, again, caveat that I gave earlier, if you are giving a visual timer for that time, or you are saying, "Hey, we need to be off in 10, we need to be off in two. Okay, now we need to get off," and they are struggling with that, it doesn't matter what kind of screen time we're engaging in, that's a concern. But interactive screen time that's not right here, and we are not moving from one thing to another, we're staying in an engaged goal. And then, and another plus, staying in an engaged goal with friends that we actually have connection with, that we go to school with or we play soccer with or what have you that's not an awful place to be. So not all screen time is created equal. We need to be seeing kids reasonably be able to walk away from screen time. Well, we need to be upholding the same kind of tech hygiene standards that we're giving our kids. We I think need to be teaching our kids how to manage tech well, and part of that is titrating in that experience so that they're not getting to 18 and they're just slammed with all this reality. And then I think we need to be considerate of socially, our teenagers, this is how they en- engage, is typically via social media platforms. Does that mean that I think that every 15-year-old should be on Snapchat? No. Every 15-year-old should not be on Snapchat, and you as a parent have to decide what's best for your kiddo. I just want to present the idea, especially for parents that aren't parenting teenagers yet, it's not as black and white, all or nothing as it sounds. Like most things, it's pretty gray if you are having trouble navigating this with your kiddo and you're just wanting to do a consult, I do not see teenagers anymore, but I do see I do see their parents and help them walk through some things like how to navigate tech with their kids. We also have wonderful clinicians at Scene Therapy Services that do see teenagers. If you're noticing that your kiddo is more reliant on tech than you would like them to be, or it's impacting their mood more than you would like it to, please reach out to us, and we are happy to help. As always, I have so much gratitude for your time. We will be back in the next episode to talk more about teens. We're gonna be talking about teen autonomy in the next episode, and I'm really excited to walk through that with you. Thank you so much for your listen. Have a great day Well, that's all folks. Please see our show notes for ways to connect with us or go give us a follow on Instagram. You can find us at Simply Mental. If this episode resonated with you, send it over to a friend. Give us a five star rating. Subscribe. Download all the things the cool kids are doing these days. Thanks for having to listen.
About Cassandra Minnick
EMDR Intensive Therapy for Busy Professionals | Trauma & Anxiety Treatment | Licensed Professional Counselor, EMDRIA Certified
I'm an EMDRIA-certified EMDR therapist with over a decade of experience helping adults understand and heal from chronic trauma. My practice focuses on the often-confusing patterns that emerge in adulthood—the behaviors, reactions, and relationship dynamics that don't make sense until we trace them back to their origins.
Chronic trauma doesn't always look like what we expect. It shows up in how we respond to conflict, how we relate to ourselves, and in the persistent feeling that something is "off" even when life looks fine on the surface. I work with clients to make sense of these patterns and create lasting change through EMDR therapy.
I specialize in EMDR intensive therapy—a condensed format that works particularly well for busy professionals who need effective treatment without the commitment of weekly sessions stretched over months or years.
I've been practicing EMDR since 2016, and I'm passionate about helping people move from survival mode to actually living their lives. When you've spent years adapting to trauma, reclaiming yourself is both powerful and possible.
