Things I Actually Say in Therapy (A Small Peek Into the Room)

Jul 28

This blog is adapted from one of our recent podcast episodes. You can take a listen at the button above.

I recently challenged myself to write down 10 to 15 phrases that come up for me regularly in therapy sessions. What I ended up with was less a list of tidy phrases and more a collection of paragraphs. But when I read back through them, I thought: these are worth sharing.

I want to be clear upfront: this is not a complete picture of what therapy looks like. This is maybe 5 to 10% of what happens in the room. Therapy isn't me walking in and throwing out metaphors. But these are perspectives, reframes, and pieces of truth that I find myself coming back to again and again because they help. And if any of them land for you today, outside of a therapy context, that's a good thing too.

Key Takeaways

In this blog post, you'll learn:

The phrases and perspectives I return to most often in session
Why being overly critical of yourself might not be a personality trait, it might be a crisis response
What chronic trauma does to behavior long after the traumatic experiences end
Why leaving therapy feeling tired is normal and why that's not the same as it not working
What "your parents did the best they could" actually means (and doesn't mean)
Why everything is figureoutable

"If You're Angry With Your Husband at a Nine, But He's Only Ever Hurt You at a Three, A Lot of That Pain Isn't Really About Him."

This one comes up a lot when I'm working with couples, but it applies in individual work too.

It's a simple check: on a scale of zero to ten, how distressed or dysregulated am I right now? And separately, how much has this person actually hurt me, on that same scale?

When those numbers are far apart, it's worth getting curious about the gap. Sometimes a spouse or partner genuinely has hurt someone at a nine or a ten. That's a different conversation. But often the gap exists because intimate relationships activate old wounds in ways that no other relationship can. Your partner is the closest person you have. They trigger you like nobody else does, not necessarily because of what they've done, but because of where those triggers were first created.

Is your partner actually the worst? Or have your most painful experiences happened in intimate relationships, making this one activate you like nothing else?

That's hard to sit with. It's also really important.

Book a free consultation at Seen Therapy →

"Getting to a Safe Place After Chronic Trauma Is Like Spending the Day at the Beach Without Sunscreen."

You get back to the hotel. The room is nice. And then you realize you have second-degree burns.

The hotel didn't cause the burns. You just couldn't feel them until you got somewhere safe enough to notice.

This is one of the things that confuses people most when they've experienced chronic relational trauma and then find some semblance of safety - in a relationship, in a living situation, in themselves. Symptoms they didn't know they had start surfacing. They wonder where all of this is coming from. Why now? Things seem better. Why do I feel worse?

Because you don't notice the sunburn while you're still at the beach.

The symptoms were always there. Safety is what finally made it possible to feel them.

"Crisis Does Not Allow for New Thoughts, Creativity, or Softness."

I say some version of this to clients who come in telling me they're just so much more critical of themselves than other people are. So much more hypervigilant. So much harder on themselves.

Here's the reframe I offer: in crisis, we are all critical. We are all hypervigilant. That's not a character flaw, that's what crisis produces in every human nervous system.

The issue isn't that you're this uniquely self-critical person. The issue is that you are being driven into a crisis state more often than most people are. Probably because crisis was your normal for a long time, and the nervous system learned to live there.

When we're in a crisis state, we become data-collecting machines. Every detail matters. The brain is scanning, assessing, categorizing - and doing it in milliseconds. It collects information, evaluates its relevance, and discards what it doesn't need, all before it even fully registers consciously. That's not a flaw. That's a brilliantly designed survival system.

The problem is when the survival system stays on even when the crisis has passed.

"I Am Not Easily Distracted in Our Sessions. But If the Building Were Spontaneously Set on Fire, Nothing Would Distract Me From That."

That's trauma.

When a traumatic memory is activated, we're suddenly back in the burning building. Everything in us is oriented toward that threat. We're not distractible, not creative, not soft, because life-threatening situations are designed to take up the entire brain's attention.

EMDR works, in part, by gently taxing the working memory, introducing enough distraction to signal to the brain: if this were actually life-threatening, you wouldn't be distractible right now. It must not be a current threat. The building isn't on fire anymore.

That shift from fully consumed to gently distracted is part of how EMDR helps the brain update its threat assessment of a memory.

"When's the Last Time You Had a Full Physical? We Don't Want to Treat an Iron Deficiency With EMDR."

I used to say something like, "That's a physical thing. I'm here for the brain." And then I realized that's not accurate, because the brain is a physical thing. The brain and the body aren't actually separable.

What I mean now when I say something like this is: there are sometimes root concerns that I genuinely cannot address. Hormone dysregulation. An iron deficiency. High blood pressure. These things produce mental health symptoms, and no amount of EMDR is going to resolve them.

If you're presenting with symptoms that look like something I've seen connected to a physical root cause, I'm going to tell you. Not because I'm diagnosing you with anything, but because I'd be doing you a disservice if I just kept processing without flagging it.

Sometimes the most important thing I can do in a session is say: go see your primary care physician. Get some labs done. Let's make sure we're not missing something.

Book a free consultation at Seen Therapy →

"At the Most Basic Level, I'm Really Good at Identifying Your Patterns, Understanding Root Causes, and Helping You Nurture Something New."

All the EMDR terminology, all the phase language, all the clinical frameworks… iit can get overwhelming. So I try to distill it.

That's what I do. I help you see what's happening, understand why it's happening, and build something better in its place. Everything else is in service of those three things.

"All the Things You Hate Yourself for That You Did in That Relationship Are Behaviors That Kept You Alive."

When I work with people who have left difficult or abusive relationships, they often come in angry at themselves. Frustrated with how they behaved. Ashamed of choices they made inside that relationship.

And I remind them: those behaviors made sense at the time. They were adaptive. They were sometimes critical for survival. They don't just disappear the moment you leave the relationship that required them.

Those behaviors kept you going. When they show up now in contexts where they don't fit anymore, it can be confusing and frustrating. But hating yourself for them misses the point. They weren't signs of weakness. They were signs of survival.

"Before We've Done Work, We Find Relationships We're Acclimated To, Not Relationships We Necessarily Want, But Ones That Feel Familiar."

You can be acclimated to something you hate. The people of Vermont are acclimated to brutal winters. They don't necessarily love the cold, they just know how to survive it. It's familiar. And familiarity, when nothing else has been safe, can feel like safety.

If the relationships in your childhood were difficult or painful, you may find yourself drawn to difficult or painful relationships in adulthood. Not because you want them. Not because you deserve them. Because you're acclimated to them. Because they're the kind of relationship your nervous system knows how to navigate.

EMDR addresses the trauma underneath that pattern. But the behavioral scaffolding that was built to survive chronic trauma, that's its own layer of work. EMDR alone doesn't dismantle it. The behaviors and patterns that formed around the trauma need attention too.

"EMDR Addresses the Trauma. But There's a Whole Scaffolding of Behavior Built to Survive It."

This is one of the most important distinctions I make for clients coming in with chronic trauma histories.

With acute trauma like a single incident, addressed relatively quickly, EMDR can often do the heavy lifting. There's no scaffolding of behavior that's had time to build up around it.

With chronic trauma, especially relational trauma that started in childhood, the trauma itself is only part of what needs to be addressed. Around it has grown an entire structure of behaviors, coping strategies, relationship patterns, and ways of being that made sense inside the trauma and that don't serve you now that you're out of it.

EMDR does the trauma work. Then there's the question: if I'm not in active crisis every day, what does life look like now? That's more work. And honestly? It can be really good work.

"You Won't Always Leave a Session Feeling Great. But It Is My Goal That You Also Leave Hopeful."

I think there's a misconception that we go to therapy to feel good. The hope is that eventually you feel well, but those aren't the same thing, and therapy doesn't produce the first one consistently.

You're much more likely to leave feeling tired and stretched thin than skipping out the door. That's not failure. That's the work. What I do want is for there to be hope underneath the tired. We can hold hope and exhaustion at the same time.

"Your Parents Did the Best That They Could. And Sometimes That Best Still Isn't Enough."

This one gets people.

When I say "your parents did the best they could," I'm not excusing harm. I'm not minimizing what happened. I'm also not saying their best was good enough because sometimes it really wasn't. Sometimes someone's best meant their kids didn't get what they needed. And that matters. That has consequences.

What I'm trying to offer is a framework that makes room for both truths at once: that someone can be doing their best and still hurt the people around them. That intention and impact aren't the same thing. That "they meant well" doesn't cancel out what you experienced.

I can't always hold this belief myself. There are things that happen to people that strain the limits of that framework. But I think it's a useful place to start, especially when people are so entrenched in either full blame or full excuse that they can't see clearly.

"I Can Hold That for You. You Don't Have to Hold It So Tight."

Simple. Powerful.

In EMDR especially, things come up that we're not addressing in that session. Material surfaces that isn't the target. And I'll say: I've got that. I'm writing it down. You don't need to hold it right now.

It sounds small. For a lot of people, it isn't.

"This Is All Figureoutable."

My favorite. Maybe one day it'll be on a T-shirt.

Whatever you're carrying, whatever you've been through, wherever you are right now, it's figureoutable. Not easy. Not quick. Not without help. But figureoutable.

That's what I believe about the people I work with. And I'd like you to believe it about yourself too.

If any of this resonated — I'd love to talk.Book a free consultation at Seen Therapy Services →📞 417-708-7909 |seentherapy.org📍 2148 West Chesterfield Blvd, Suite E205, Springfield, MO 65807

Frequently Asked Questions

Why am I so critical of myself?

It might not be a personality trait, it might be a crisis response. In a state of crisis, every human becomes hypervigilant and self-critical. That's the nervous system doing its job. If you find yourself constantly harsh and self-critical, the more useful question is: how often is your nervous system being driven into a crisis state? Because in crisis, criticism is universal. Outside of it, it softens naturally.

Why do I keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships?

Before we've done deeper work, we tend to find relationships we're acclimated to, not necessarily the ones we want, but the ones that feel familiar. If the relationships in your childhood were difficult or painful, your nervous system learned to navigate that kind of dynamic. It doesn't seek it out because you deserve it or want it. It seeks it out because familiarity can feel like safety when nothing else has been safe. This is one of the core patterns EMDR and trauma therapy work to address.

Why do I feel worse after starting therapy?

Because therapy opens things up. When you begin processing trauma, the brain doesn't just file away one memory and stop, it starts surfacing connected material that also needs attention. For people who have spent years containing or suppressing, that can feel destabilizing at first. It's not therapy failing you. It's your nervous system finally doing what it's been trying to do. The goal is to move through that, not to avoid it. You should leave therapy tired, not out of control. If you're leaving feeling destabilized regularly, talk to your therapist about closure and pacing.

What does trauma have to do with my relationship patterns?

A lot, often more than people realize. Chronic relational trauma, especially from childhood, doesn't just affect how you feel about yourself. It shapes what feels normal, what feels safe, and who you're drawn to. EMDR addresses the trauma itself. But around chronic trauma there's also a scaffolding of behaviors and patterns that developed to survive it. Both layers need attention in therapy.

How do I know if my reactions are about my partner or my past?

A simple starting point: on a scale of zero to ten, how distressed are you right now? And separately, on that same scale, how much has this person actually hurt you? When those numbers are far apart, there's something worth getting curious about. The gap between how activated you feel and what actually happened often points toward old wounds being triggered by a current relationship, not because your partner is blameless, but because intimate relationships activate our deepest material.

Does therapy always feel good?

No, and I'd be doing you a disservice if I suggested it would. Therapy is more likely to leave you feeling tired and stretched thin than skipping out the door. That's not a sign it isn't working. What I do want is for there to be hope underneath the tired. We can hold exhaustion and hope at the same time. The goal of therapy isn't to feel good after every session. It's to eventually feel well.

What if I don't have a single big traumatic event, can therapy still help me?

Absolutely. Chronic criticism, attachment wounds, emotional neglect, childhood shame - these are legitimate traumas, and they respond to EMDR and trauma therapy just as meaningfully as more acute events do. You don't need a single identifiable "big thing" to benefit from this work. If something is still affecting how you move through the world, it deserves attention.

Related Resources

Hello. Hello. Hello, friends, welcome to the podcast where we simplify everything about mental health. Just kidding. But here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna sit down together a licensed mental health professional, that's me and a regular old Joe as my husband Garth would describe himself. We're gonna talk about the nitty gritty of EMDR, some nervous system mapping, how couples can help each other heal. What's healthy parenting actually look like? Maybe a little bit of good old banter mixed in. All with the goal of making mental health a little bit simpler for you. Quick note, because my lawyer says that I have to, I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. Unless I am. Even if I am. This is still just a podcast. Okay, now have a good listen. Hello, friends. We are back again. It is Cassandra. I am joined by- Garth. Woo. Shocking. We are eventually going to have someone else on here. No, you're gonna replace me? Not to replace you. Oh, thank goodness. But we will eventually have someone else on here at some point, and it is just going to be possibly appalling- Mm-hmm ... for the listeners. Yeah. They're so used to hearing your lovely, warm baritone. My docile tones. Okay, today we are talking what is actually said in therapy. Hmm. I know. Okay. Now, do these little blips really represent the nitty-gritty of what's happening in therapy? No. But I am excited to share them. And I do, I do think it will be a fun episode. So I recently challenged myself to share with my operational business manager, sounds so fancy- Ooh, yeah 10 to 15 phrases- Mm-hmm ... that often come up for me in therapy. And surprise, surprise, because I am long-winded I don't know that I would necessarily deem all of them phrases- Hmm. Yeah ... so much as, like, paragraphs. No- novellas. Yes. Right. Exactly. But when I got them all down I actually wrapped that up, we're recording this on a Thursday, I wrapped that up on Monday, and I was like, "I don't know that it will be the most productive- Mm-hmm podcast episode, but I wanna record it." Okay. I wanna read through these. Hey, I'm here for it. So yeah. I'm also kind of curious, like, your, My take on some of them? Yeah, your take- Okay ... and your reaction as I go through them. So again, therapy is not me throwing these pieces out. Mm-hmm. This is like- Mm-hmm ... a small peek into the therapy room, maybe like- Yeah 5 to 10%. But these are things that I will say to provide some perspective- Okay ... sometimes. So, okay, first one. Oh, w- Oh, we have a band. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Oh my goodness. Whoa. Shut down the episode. Stop. Stop. Stop the train. Woo. I need my moment of glory. You tell I'm just so excited- ... today to move on I skipped over the most important And this one's, we, this one's a good one Uh-huh. So it is a little long-winded to set up, but I'm, here I go. That's great, 'cause I'm eating some hummus, so you just be long-winded. Perfect. There is a meme, it's from Tangled. I don't know if you know it. Rider Flynn- I am familiar and there's swords all around. Mm-hmm. Right? You know the meme? Yes. What is your opinion that would get you in that position by the world? Like, what opinion do you have that you stand by that other people wanna come at you for? Oh, yeah. A doozy of a bat question today. Oh. Let's, let's not just say any opinion. Let's, let's narrow it down. What is your food opinion? So many opinions. What is your food opinion that other people would hate you for, but you stand by? You mean hate me? Goodness gracious. Well, they wanna chop his head off with a sword. Right. That's a lot. My food opinion that would put most people up in... Or not most people, but put a lot- Mm-hmm ... of people up in arms. Mm-hmm. The first thing that comes to my mind is our babies chew on solid things. Like, our babies- Mm ... yeah ... with solid foods. We've had a- It makes- We've had people be like- It makes- "They're eating what?" It makes people really nervous. And we're like, "It's fine." And they'll like, and this is researched, but they learn how to spit things out that they can't deal with. Yeah. And so we- they'll be- Solid starts ... working on spitting something out. Well, solid start movement. Yeah. Sponsor us. Yep. Yeah ... but yes. That's a good one. Food related opinion would probably be that we did not start our babies on pureed food. Yeah, give them solids from the, from the day one. Yep. Which before I was a mom- Not day one, not actually day one. Right. Yeah. Not actually day one. Yes, please don't. Clarify. This i- this is not medical advice. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Now you've made me nervous. That is probably what would put people- Okay ... before I was a mom- Yeah ... the idea of not giving a baby pureed food- Mm-hmm ... would have sent me into a panic. Mm-hmm. And so I would imagine that it would send... And that's okay. Yeah. And people can do different things. I, a lot of people start their babies on pureed foods. Mm-hmm. That's fine. It's no big deal. Yep. No big deal. NBD. Yeah. Okay, what about you? Well, I just have one that's just about, not about food. I mean, I can come up with one about food if you want me to, but mine that I was gonna go with is that Michael Jordan wouldn't have, wouldn't have won any championships, any of the championship... Let's see. Let me say this again. It, I know this is a hot topic. We're gonna dip i- our toe into the sports world, and they get mad when you say stuff like this, okay? You think a lot of s- sports, sport folk are- I think we have a huge overlap- ... gonna get mad ... with the, the '80s and '90s NBA fans. Yes, I think we do. You know what? I hope so. I hope so, too. I think Dennis Rodman was the most important person on the Chicago Bulls teams with Michael Jordan. I think he was the most important. Before we address that at all, I just wanna address if our dog's burp was at all picked up- That was epic ... on the microphones. That was not me. Yeah, you just said you were eating hummus. Yeah. Love, I'm so sorry, I don't, I don't even know how to engage in that. It's okay. I'll explain my reasoning. Okay, thank you. Michael Jordan is prob- probably the best basketball player ever. If not, I mean, that also, that's another hot topic, I guess. People argue about that all the time. My point is, everyone could do what they were best at because Dennis Rodman was doing all of the dirty work. He did everything no one else wanted to do. No one got glory or fame ever in the NBA for the things that he did. He was a menace to the other team day in and day out, and drew all that attention they should be throwing figuring out how to deal with Jordan. They were like, "What do we do with this guy?" Mm. Now, I don't stand by a lot of his personal choices, I will also include that. But as a basketball player, he was a phenomenal reason that they were successful. And, you know, you wouldn't possibly like him because you identify with being a menace on the basketball court. I was a bit of a menace on the basketball court. But he was my favorite basketball player, so. Which is funny 'cause that's not your personality at all- I, I do not ... being proud, but you, you did- Yeah ... in sports. Yeah. But, but never in a dirty way, right? No, no, no. But it was just like he would... He played a little, he played much dirtier than I would play. But also just the idea of like, highlight of my basketball career was when I got a guy kicked out 'cause he tried to punch me in the head. Mm. That was the best day ever- Okay ... because I just got inside his head in a way I never did before. Anyway. And we hope he- Dennis Rodman, more important- Got some help than Michael Jordan. Dennis Rodman more important than Michael Jordan. Okay. I said it. Such stark differences- ... between the controversial topic. Okay. All right. We ready? Ready. Things I say in therapy. Okay. Dun-dun, dun-dun. Again, I do wanna keep clarifying. This is a small sliver of what I do. Mm-hmm. It's not, I don't want to create the impression that you're gonna come to therapy and I'm just throwing out these, like, metaphors. Are you gonna put these on your website and then AI is going to take them, and then be just as good as you? Good luck. Yeah. Good luck, Claude. Yeah. I'm just saying, Claude, my clients are coming in telling me about some of your material. Uh-huh. Some of the stuff that you're spitting out throughout the week. Questionable lines, Claude. Questionable. Questionable. We should do an episode on how I think AI's gonna impact therapy over the next decade. Ooh, that would be a good one. Dun-dun. Okay, ready? If you're angry with your husband in a nine but he's only ever hurt you at a three- A lot of that pain isn't really about him Mm. This has come up in a previous episode that we did on working with couples. Yeah. But it's a simple little test. Mm-hmm. You know, where would I put myself right now from zero to 10- Mm-hmm ... as far as how dysregulated/distressed I am? Mm-hmm. And in some cases your spouse has hurt you- Yeah ... at, you know, a nine or a 10. That is y- you know, addressing that is a different story. Mm-hmm. But in a lot of cases they have not, and so then what is making up that difference there? Just something to consider. Yeah. Is your wife the worst right now, or have all your worst traumas happened with an intimate relationship and she's the most intimate relationship you've ever had, so she triggers you like nobody else does? Mm. Bum, bum, bum. Yeah. That one, it's hard out there Just saying. Okay. This one's a paragraph. Getting to a safe place after experiencing chromic- chronic trauma is like spending the day at the beach without sunscreen, getting to your hotel and realizing you have second degree burns. Sure, the hotel is nice, but you just figured out you're supposed to wear sunscreen at the beach, and now you have second degree burns to take care of. This makes me think of a personal story. It is not our personal story though, so we are not gonna share it. We know about sunscreen. Some of you out there need to learn about it. We should tell them to listen to this episode- Yeah ... and then see if they're open to us sharing. But does that make sense? Absolutely, yeah. When you've experienced chronic relational trauma and then you find some semblance of safety, oftentimes people are confused- Mm-hmm ... that they've got all these symptoms coming up out of nowhere. Right. And it's like, yeah, you don't notice the symptoms. They're not coming up for you- Mm-hmm um, when, before you've reached a safe place. Mm-hmm. They come to you after the crash. They come to you. Yeah. You notice the severe sunburn when you get back to the hotel room. Yeah. Alternative metaphor, you don't often notice how hurt you are in the heat of a moment, right? If you, you know, if you are, heaven forbid, in a car accident or something and you have minor injuries, you may walk away from it and then hours later, that adrenaline wears off and it's like, oh, 'cause you're finally safe again and it's like, "I'm real hurt." Yep. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Crisis does not allow for new thoughts, creativity, or softness. In trauma, we return to a previous crisis state over and over again. If we don't indicate to the brain that crisis response isn't helpful anymore, we won't restructure our thoughts when we're triggered, won't be creative, and certainly won't be soft with ourselves. Mm-hmm. So I was actually just discussing this this morning with someone, that people oftentimes will come in and say things to me like, "I'm just so much more critical with myself than other people are." Mm-hmm. Or, "I'm just so much you know, more anxious than other people are." Mm-hmm. And eventually what I like to, the perspective that I like clients to adopt is that- In crisis, we are all critical and hypervigilant. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The issue is not that you're this person that's just so much more critical- Mm-hmm ... and so much more hypervigilant. The issue is that you are being driven into a crisis state- Yeah ... more often- Yeah. Makes sense ... than most people are. Mm-hmm. Probably because you have been in crisis so often previously- Mm-hmm in your life. And when we're in a crisis, we are data collecting machines. Yeah. And we are critical data collecting machines- Mm-hmm ... because that's what keeps us safe. I like that. Data collecting machines. Yeah, 'cause that's, I mean, that's, in a crisis state, every detail matters. You know, I- Absolutely ... I'm sure there have been studies on that, on, like, what is noticed. Well, and, and that every detail matters, but also you get tunnel vision sometimes as well, right? Okay. Here's how I describe it. So talk about that dichotomy. Here's how I describe it to people. Every detail matters- Mm-hmm ... and you are collecting every detail. Mm. But your brain has been designed to where- File for later. No. The other ones? No. This isn't the word I was looking for, but your brain has been designed to critique that data- Mm ... in milliseconds- Mm-hmm ... and evaluate its, its relevance- Mm-hmm ... and then get rid of it. Gotcha. So an example I'll give oftentimes whenever people come to me to work through car accidents is they'll hear the-- They'll say like, "I heard a siren for a brief moment, and then it was gone." Mm-hmm. And it's like, well, because your brain collected that data- Mm-hmm ... registered it as not relevant. And, Or registered emergency service is here- Yeah. They're- Good. Gone ... coming- Yeah ... onto more data. Mm-hmm. Right? And in a crisis situation, that's what our brain is doing. Mm-hmm. And people don't even necessarily... It, it doesn't even hit their brain long enough necessarily to know that it was there- Mm-hmm ... before it's gone. They're just assessing things so quickly. Yep. So anyway, yeah, in crisis, we are data collecting machines. "I am not easily distracted in our sessions, but if the building were to spontaneously be set afire, nothing would then distract me from the building being on fire." Hmm. "I would focus on that building being on fire and everything about me that kept me from getting out of that building until I got out of the building. That's trauma. In a moment of trauma activation, we're suddenly back in the burning building. EMDR allows us to gently distract, to gently distract, to tax the working memory, to indicate to the brain we aren't in the burning building anymore." Mm-hmm. So it's just another way of explaining the previous paragraph that- Yeah ... we had gone over. Right. Right? It's just a kinda different perspective. Brain priorities. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. A- That's the s- sorta nuggets ... life-threatening situation will always stay at the front of, front of our brain Yeah, yeah. You are not distractible in a life-threatening situation. Right. It, your brain is designed to not be distractible in a life-threatening situation. So then what happens when we pull up a memory and that working memory is taxed and it is distractible- Mm-hmm ... we're able to indicate to the brain that this is not a life-threatening situation. It must not be- Right ... or we wouldn't be distractible. Mm-hmm. Okay. Are you overly critical of yourself, or are you constantly finding yourself in a state of crisis? Because everyone is critical in crisis. Again- Mm-hmm ... same theme here. Yep. It's almost like you deal with people experiencing or having experienced a trauma a lot. What? What? Okay, now we're getting into something different. When's the last time you had a full physical? We don't want to try and treat an iron deficiency or high blood pressure with EMDR. Oh, you said that? So I, I say things like that, and it's some version of that- Mm-hmm ... to highlight that sometimes there are mental health pieces- Mm-hmm that are at the very least being really exacerbated- Right ... by something that I cannot solve- Yeah ... for. So I used to say, "This is a physical thing. I'm here for the brain." Yeah. But that, I can't even say that. Your brain's a physical thing. It's all- Yeah ... right? Like- Yeah ... yeah, your brain is a physical thing. Your- Mm-hmm ... it, it, the brain and the body, where do, where do you separate the two? You don't. So- Or people die if you separate a brain and a body. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. So now I just say like, "It's possible that there i- there are additional root concerns here." Mm-hmm. "And I cannot help you solve all of them-" Yeah other than to refer you that some- to someone that can." Mm-hmm. "I can't do anything about an iron deficiency." And I don't tell people like, "I think you're iron deficient." Yeah. But there are certain symptoms that people present with- Mm-hmm ... you know, that I have historically seen with- Yeah ... you know, hormone dysregulation going into a certain part of your menstrual cycle, right? Mm-hmm. Or certain symptoms that I have seen with iron deficiency. I'm not going to process all that out with you. Right. I'm just gonna tell you, "I think it's really important for you to go see-" Yeah ... "this provider." Yeah. Y- you know, and maybe it's just your primary care physician. If you haven't seen your primary- Mm-hmm care physician in three years, let's go get some labs done. Yeah. Do you want my chiropractor's number? So that's the next one that I, I have on the list. Shout out Dr. Abigail. And then the next one that we go into, all of the EMDR and other therapy lingo can get really confusing, but at the most basic level, I'm really good at identifying your patterns, understanding root causes, and helping you nurture something new. So again, what I do can get confusing, but if we boil it all down, identifying your patterns, understanding root causes, helping you nurture something new- Awesome ... is where I excel. Awesome. Those are good things. Those are awesome things. Okay, so on to the next one. I am really good at what I do, and I'm really bad at a lot of other things. If you're in active addiction and that's your primary concern, that's not where I work best. If you are presenting with OCD symptoms and that is your primary concern, that's not where I work best. I have a good referral for both of those. If you need a good lasagna, my husband makes a killer one. I got you. Just probably not, like, you, but I don't know you, listener I should- Yeah ... I, I know, I know. I should make, We should do a lasagna giveaway ... I was just gonna say, we should, yeah, do a lasagna giveaway, like, for my clients. I should just bring in, like, frozen lasagnas that you've made- Wow ... at some point. Maybe for sometime this winter. Mm. People need a good lasagna during the winter. Nothing beats a good six-layer lasagna. So if you want to try- Wow ... Garth's lasagna, you just need to become a, a client- ... of Scene Therapy Services, and sometime this winter- This feels like bribery ... you will be rewarded. Is, is this allowed? With a frightening lasagna. Okay. All the things you hate yourself for that you did in that relationship are behaviors that kept you alive, kept you going. When those behaviors pop up now, they don't make any sense to you, but they were adaptive, and they were critical at the time. So when I'm working with folks that have left difficult, abusive relationships, they often get frustrated with their own current behaviors. Mm-hmm. And I remind them that they developed those behaviors for a reason- Right ... and that those behaviors don't just, poof, go away the moment that they leave that- Mm-hmm ... very difficult or abusive- Sure ... relationship. Yeah. And people often need that reminder over and over and over again. Yeah. And that, that's okay. I'm happy to give it. And it can be, their behaviors can be very frustrating to them. Mm-hmm. And it makes sense, right? The behaviors that they were having in these difficult or abusive relationships were absolutely necessary, and now they aren't anymore. Mm-hmm. And they're getting in their own way- Yeah which can be frustrating. Before we've done work, we find relationships we're acclimated to, not relationships that we necessarily want or need, but the ones that we're familiar with. We live in the tundra and hate the cold, but familiarity has been safe when nothing else has. Makes sense So if we have had especially difficult relationships or abusive relationships in our childhood, oftentimes people will find difficult or abusive relationships in their adulthood. Mm-hmm. In romantic relationships, in their friendships, not because they want them, but because they are acclimated to them. Mm-hmm. In the same way that we are acclimated to humidity in Springfield, Missouri. Hello, Springfield. EMDR addresses that trauma... Oh, let me back up. EMDR addresses trauma experience in chronic trauma. Then there's a whole way of being that doesn't really work for this human anymore. If I'm not in active crisis every day, what does life look like now? There's more work to do then, and man, it can be really good work. Mm-hmm. So it goes back to the idea that I was speaking to earlier. EMDR addresses the trauma piece of chronic trauma. Yeah. And there's this whole scaffolding of behavior that has been built up- Mm-hmm ... to survive chronic trauma- Yeah ... whatever it might be. And we can't just rely on EMDR because EMDR only addresses the trauma piece. Mm-hmm. We've also got to address the scaffolding of behavior that has surrounded the the trauma. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Whereas with an acute trauma, as long... A, a single incident trauma- Mm-hmm ... as long as we get to that quickly, there's been no scaffolding of behavior that's been- Mm-hmm ... built up around it. Right. You won't always leave a therapy session feeling great. In fact, you're much more likely to leave therapy feeling tired, stretched thin, but it is my goal that you also leave therapy hopeful. We can hold hope and exhaustion at the same time. Nice. I think there is this misconception that we go to therapy to feel good. Mm-hmm. And ultimately the hope is that you feel well. Mm-hmm. But you're not going to leave every session skipping. Yeah. In fact, more often than not that won't be the case. Right. Okay. Here's one that really gets folks. Uh-oh. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Maybe actually we, we... I'm, I'm gonna leave this one for further down. This one's simple. I can hold that for you now. We'll come back to it. You don't have to hold it so tight. You've mentioned that before, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep. Especially in EMDR, things will come up that we're not addressing in that moment. Mm-hmm. And depending on how much we're just kind of free associating and how much we're being more contained, I will oftentimes say to people like, "I've got that for you." Yeah. And that seems simple, but that can be- Yeah ... really powerful. Okay. Ready? Controversial one. Okay. Your parents did the best that they could, and sometimes the best that someone can do is still a best that doesn't give you what you need. Mm-hmm. I've met parents who did their best and couldn't feed their children. That best can't stand. Something has to change. Kids have to eat, and they have to feel unconditionally loved too. Mm-hmm. So when I say the first part, your parents did the best that they could, sometimes people really struggle with that. Yeah. Or whomever it is- Yeah ... did the best that they could, right? But the follow-up to that is, and sometimes that best really hurts other people. Mm-hmm. Sometimes that best isn't the best that I'm happy with- Yeah ... even as just the clinician- Right. ... on the outside of it, right? Yeah. But that's their best. Mm-hmm. Now, we as humans can find ourselves in horrific situations- Sure ... at the hands of other humans, and do I still think that they're doing their best? Maybe not in the moment. Like, maybe- Mm-hmm ... I have this belief and I can't always hold it. Yeah. Right? But I think there are lots of things in life that get in the way of people being who we would hope them to be. Mm-hmm. I'll leave it at that. Yeah. Okay, last one. Okay. This is all figureoutable. Figureoutable. This is all figureoutable. I like it. Can I get that on a T-shirt? We... Garth, I have been telling you we need to do T-shirts. We need some merch. What I need to do is make all of these more succinct and put them all on T-shirts. Wow. And maybe even accept that, like, some of them won't make sense to anyone- Mm-hmm ... but clients. Yeah. Like, a, a little- Mm-hmm ... like, fire and a person, like, climbing out of the fire- Mm-hmm. ... and they've got a little thought bubble that's like, "I stink." 'Cause, 'cause, like, we're critical of ourselves when we're- Sure, sure. We'll workshop that one. We'll workshop it. I'd see that and be like, "That guy stinks so bad he set that building on fire. Wow, that's really stinky." Okay, folks. Things I say in therapy. Is this a whole picture of therapy? Absolutely not. No. It probably gives you more of a picture into my brain than, than anything. Probably, yeah. But this is a piece of therapy and if you wanna hear more nuggets- ... you should listen to more episodes. Yeah. Give us- Get your nugs give us a follow, give us a like. A like, five stars in... I think is the podcast l- l- lingo. I don't know. And if you feel like my practice could potentially be a good fit for you, or you're just like, "I know I need to go to therapy," genuinely, guys, at least right now, July 2026, I'm the person you're gonna talk to whenever you call for a free consultation, and I am more than happy and committed to helping you find someone that I truly believe is going to help you get started in therapy. I tell folks all the time, my family is rooted in Springfield. This is home and the more healthy my community is, the more healthy my family is. And so whether or not you see me I have a stake in you being healthy, Nice ... whether or not we ever speak to each other again. So all of that said, I'm feeling all, I'm feeling all the feels. Yeah. All that said, thank you for the listen. We hope you're well and we hope you come back. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, that's all folks. Please see our show notes for ways to connect with us or go give us a follow on Instagram. You can find us at Simply Mental. If this episode resonated with you, send it over to a friend. Give us a five star rating. Subscribe. Download all the things the cool kids are doing these days. Thanks for having to listen.

Therapy

Cassandra Minnick